Stupid and Stubborn

I know stupid is not a nice word. In fact, it is a “bad” word in our house. But sometimes, the shoe fits and there’s no other word that correctly characterizes my actions. Refusing to do what God asked you to do is stupid, plain and simple.

After we lost Austin (in 2008 folks!), as I was growing into a Jesus-follower, God very clearly asked me to help others in the deep, dark pit of sorrow. I told Him I wasn’t ready. I told Him that it would be too painful and difficult.

As I became an avid student of the Bible, God very clearly asked me to show other women how to heal through His Word. I told Him to wait. I hadn’t read the whole thing very thoroughly yet. But, teaching others about the Bible was something I got very excited about. I’d love to do that.

I started to pray, “Lord, make me a Bible teacher. Show me how to help other women know You through Your Word.” In His great grace and patience, He let me become a Bible teacher.

I wrote and published a Bible study called His Last Words, which takes a slow journey through the Gospel of John, Chapters 13-17. These chapters in John changed my life and helped me out of that dark pit of grieving a child. I had about a million ideas for my next Bible study!

Yet, nothing triggered. It seemed like my ministry stalled out. “Maybe I didn’t hear God call me to be a Bible teacher,” I thought.

Have you ever started something that you thought God asked you to do, but then it seemed to stall or fizzle out?

I began to realize being a Bible teacher is what I asked of Him, but what He asked of me was to help those in the deep pit of sorrow. Ugh! I still didn’t want to. But, I finally agreed to write the book He outlined years ago — more than 5 years before! Did I mention stupid? How about stubborn?

Have you ever been stubborn in the face of God? What happened?

In the panic of COVID-19, in March 2020, I published Surviving Sorrow. People often say to me, “I bet it was healing to write, wasn’t it?” My answer has always been, “not really.” Perhaps if I had written the book when God had asked me to, it would have been healing. But, I missed out on that healing and blessing because I was being stupid and stubborn. I was not doing what God told me to do.

Although I finally obeyed and wrote that book, I was still begging God to let me be a Bible teacher. Being a gracious and generous Father, God helped me study and write about the prophecies in Isaiah that point to Jesus.

The fulfilled prophecies in Isaiah were deeply instilled in my heart as a grieving mom because they helped me know that God always does what He says He’s going to do. My hope for Predicting Jesus was that it would help women know they could count on God, even in hard places.

Although God answered my prayers and allowed me to be a Bible teacher, there was something “unsettled” about my ministry efforts. If I allowed myself to hear it, God was always there asking, “when will you serve the sorrow-filled souls?” I still didn’t want to do that! I was still telling God “no” and “that’s too much.” I kept trying my stupid and stubborn best to change His mind.

Have you ever tried to pray YOUR plans into existence?

For the past two years, God has been making me increasingly uncomfortable in different ways, in different aspects of my life. I believe He was allowing me to feel the consequences of not doing the will of God. It was one thing to hear and understand my calling, and finally submit to writing Surviving Sorrow.

It was another thing to embrace a ministry steeped in sorrow.

Sixteen years later, I still didn’t want to.

At a spiritual retreat a couple of months ago, God let me know that His plans for me involve serving the sorrowful. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

It was that moment you pick your screaming, disobedient toddler off the store floor and haul her out to the car. Done. End. Of. Tantrum.

Have you ever had a tantrum with God? How did that work out for you?

See what I mean: stupid and stubborn.

As soon as my (finally!) willing heart said, “yes, Lord,” and truly meant it, I felt a deep knowing that God was about to set something new in my life. The next morning, in the span of a few minutes, God helped me sketch out what a ministry steeped in sorrow could look like. He helped me see how He had equipped me and prepared me to deal with all these deep and dark emotions that would come my way as soon as I reached out my hand to help. I finally felt like I wouldn’t get dragged back into the pit, but that I would stand firm while I served the sorrowful.

Has God ever given you an assignment you didn’t want to do?

Friends, I’m going to need your help with my assignment. While I am finally willing to DO what God has called me to do, I know it will be difficult – and sometimes dark.

I’m going to need a prayer team. I’m going to need encouragers. Will you please pray about this? If God nudges you to come alongside me in this ministry, please email me: kim@kimAerickson.com.

In the meantime, please help me pray: Father God, help Kim to delight in doing Your will to serve the sorrowful (and please help her to stop being stupid and stubborn!)

Sweet blog subscribers, thank you for being patient with me, for supporting me, and for praying with me. May the Lord bless you and nudge you along when you are tempted to be stupid or stubborn!

4 thoughts on “Stupid and Stubborn”

  1. What a beautiful testimony of God’s love and patience with us. Thank you for sharing this, Kim! Bless you on your journey of being faithful to what God has called you into.

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  2. Iā€™m sorry for what you suffered. But He wants to make beauty from your ashes. You have the ashes either way. Why not accept His offer to make something beautiful from it? šŸ˜˜

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