As my grieving mom group gathered, the conversation drifted to dreading certain months and days: the month our child died, his birthday, the holidays. The anticipation of those times is agony. At this time of year, everyone around us is anticipating Christmas. The advent calendars are slowly counting the days… one by one.
The ramping up that surrounds Christmas is difficult for the grieving person. It’s like slowly peeling off a Band-Aid or constantly bumping up against a bruise. The decorating, the shopping, the “cheer” – all remind us that we, as grieving moms, won’t be celebrating Christmas in a fully happy way. On this side of heaven, our celebrations will always be a double-edged coin, some happy, but some sad.
It gets difficult to face year after year. Time does not heal the loss of a child. You get better at dealing with the anticipation of the dreaded days, but it doesn’t change the finality of your broken heart.
God cannot answer my deepest longing. I’ll never have another Christmas with Austin. I’ll never fill his stocking or put sweet surprises under the tree for him. My family will always be incomplete until we reach Heaven. This finality makes the anticipation of the advent season heavy.
Anticipation can go one of two ways: fun or anxiety. Anticipating the celebration of the coming of our Lord should be fun. But for some, it is not. It triggers a double dose of anxiety. Thinking about the passing of a child gets more frequent and intense. Stopping the replay of your loved one’s final days becomes more difficult.
The anticipation also brings all the decisions and preparations that surround Christmas. It may seem weird, but making simple decisions is very hard when you’re fighting through sorrow. There really is such a thing as “grief brain” or “grief fog” – and it’s super irritating.
So, if you’re struggling through the agony of anticipation this holiday season, try these ideas:
Survival Steps:
- Set time aside each day, 15-30 minutes, to let the sorrow out; give time and space for your emotions to bubble up to the surface and then let them go, whatever those emotions may be – just let them out; this will clear your brain and allow you to think
- Skip the advent calendars and devotionals this year; your phone and your heart will give you enough reminders that Christmas is coming
- Scale back on your Christmas responsibilities; allow someone else to host and/or cook; ask for help decorating; say “I can’t this year” to some holiday activities; ask someone for help getting gifts, etc.
- Make that counseling appointment you’ve been putting off; join a grief group if that sounds more your style; take action to fight the despair
Spiritual Steps:
- Read or listen to your Bible. Every. Single. Day. No matter what. There is no better way to guard your mind from anxiety than taking in the Word of God. If you’ve never tried this before, you’ll be just like me when I first started. I was skeptical. I didn’t think it would work. I was wrong. Totally and gloriously wrong. God will meet you in those Scriptures. He will. Just do it.
- If you already have a Bible reading habit, pick some Scripture verses that remind you of God’s comfort and protection; write them down, put them in your phone, make them your screensavers; pray them several times a day; a couple of my go-to verses when I’m anticipating high grief days are Psalm 34:18, Philippians 4:4-8, and Psalm 121
- Walk outside each day, at least for a few minutes, and take time to notice nature; God’s creation and fresh wind on your face can go a long way to lifting your eyes to heaven and eternity (and off your sorrow for a bit)
- Pray for God to show you who else is hurting this holiday season and find a way to serve them
- Find someone who will pray out loud over you when you get anxious
If you found these ideas helpful, you can find more in Surviving Sorrow: A Mother’s Guide to Living with Loss.