There are lots of reasons a person might not feel “merry” during the holiday season. One in particular hangs over my heart: grief. As you hustle and bustle through the next week, consider that someone around you might be in a deep pit of grief, unable to climb out on her own.
Grieving through Christmas feels like running a mile in cement shoes. That’s if she’s doing well enough to get out of bed. Someone grieving the loss of a child might not have the motivation to participate in all the trappings and traditions she used to get excited about this time of year. It might be all she can do to get up, brush her teeth, and get dressed. She quite literally cannot get moving. Every day feels like pushing a heavy rock uphill.
Or, she might be hustling and bustling right along with you. Grief is sneaky sometimes. A grieving mom might look like she’s doing ok to outsiders, but privately she’s in a dark place. She might be in an “eat-a-thon” (that’s me), a “shop-a-thon” (spending way more than is wise), the bottom of a bottle, or popping too many pills. These coping behaviors are often hidden from others.
Last, but certainly not least, a grieving parent might be isolating herself. She may have put up a thick wall of “back off” so that she can lick her wounds privately. Also me. You might not be sure how she is doing because she won’t return your texts, calls, or emails. Isolating can feel easier than connecting with others because a grieving mom feels like no one can relate to her loss. She’s tired of people trying to relate – who just can’t. It’s exhausting to manage your reactions to others, so you just eliminate “others” so you have one less thing to deal with in your heart and mind.
None of these behaviors may sound healthy to you, but I’ve found they are common among grieving parents. People always say “I couldn’t do it” – but then they want to have an opinion about how you’re doing it! The very best thing you can do for someone who is grieving this holiday season is NOT have any opinions or thoughts or suggestions about what they could or should do with their grief.
So, what CAN you do?
- Be patient.
- Keep showing up (even if she ignores you).
- Stay the same.
- Invite, but don’t push.
- Text “I’m thinking of you.”
- Send a picture of their loved one – no words needed.
- Generally, the less words the better.
- Pray, pray, pray!
If you are the grieving mom and you’re struggling, you’re not alone – and you’re not going crazy. Here are some ideas to help:
Practical Steps:
- Tell someone how you’ve been coping with your grief, especially if you’ve been hiding things
- Make a doctor’s appointment and tell your doctor how you’ve been coping
- Make a counseling appointment (you know that one you’ve been putting off!)
- Ask for help; ask someone to shop for you, clean, do laundry, or watch your other children
- Look for grief groups in your area and go to one (at least one time)
- Schedule some time away to let the grief come out
- Set up a countdown calendar to show the end of the holiday season (hooray!)
Spiritual Steps:
- Tell God how you’ve been coping with your grief, especially if you’ve been hiding it (yes, He already knows, but confessing these hidden things with your mouth is a good first step to letting God begin His healing work)
- Go ahead and wrestle out your “why” questions with God; He can handle you, your thoughts, and your emotions; He’s a big God
- Cry out to your Heavenly Father – ask Him to make the grief feel smaller, less intense, not so frequent, etc. I often asked Him to put “balm” over my broken heart so that I didn’t feel quite so much – of any of the emotions surrounding Austin. Just take a bit away so it didn’t drown me.
- Get a P.I.T. Crew – Prayer Intercessory Team; ask 3 people to pray specifically for one of those behaviors you’d like to get a handle on; set a time table (for the next two weeks or the next month) and then check in with them and let them know how you’re doing
- Start journaling
- Begin a “I’m thankful for” list; if this seems hard, remember there are other grieving moms who have it “worse” than you; start in your house – I’m thankful that I have clothes to wear, floors to mop, bathrooms to clean, a job to go to, etc. There are grieving moms out there who don’t have enough food, shelter, or clothing — or even clean water. It really could be worse
- Take a nature walk and let the quiet beauty remind you that God is handling all. the. things.
- Read these Scripture verses: Psalm 34:18, Psalm 143, Psalm 121, Phil. 4:4-8, and 1 Peter 1 (the whole chapter)
I pray these thoughts and ideas help both the grieving moms and their family/friends. It’s a difficult road to walk together. I’m certainly grateful to those who are brave enough to walk alongside me and my family!
There are more topics, practical tips, and spiritual ideas in Surviving Sorrow: A Mother’s Guide to Living with Loss.
Also, Read the two previous posts about grieving through the holiday season: Triggered by Family Gatherings and Agony of Anticipation.
Peace and hope to you and yours this holiday season, ~Kim