Every year as the holidays roll around, grief gains intensity and frequency. If you’re grieving a loved one, you’ve already noticed this uptick in your sadness. After going through 17 years without our son, I’ve learned a few things about surviving sorrow through the holidays. This holiday season, I’ll share some survival steps and some spiritual steps to help you navigate the powerful emotions of grief in December.
Today, I’d like to talk to you about the triggers of family gatherings.
1. The Empty Space:
The empty spot left by your loved one is so glaringly obvious to you, but perhaps not so much to your family. They may acknowledge your loss, make a toast, mention him in prayer, or hug you tighter and longer than before. But, the gaping, dark hole remains.
For me, what became worse than missing Austin during those gatherings was the fact that my family – Devin, Ethan, and me – will never have what’s gathered around during the holidays. Watching all your kids together in one place. Siblings as aunts and uncles. Multiple kids and grandkids as cousins.
Because losing Austin made Ethan an only child, we’ll never have what happens when my family gathers. Never. Ever. Ethan’s kids won’t have first cousins on our side. Ethan’s kids won’t have an uncle when our family gathers. Coming from a big family, this one thing can wreck me for days – even after 17 years. I truly hate this for Ethan – and for Devin and myself.
Survival Steps:
- Try your best to focus on who IS there and be grateful for the family you DO have
- Shorten your time when the whole family is gathered and make individual visits instead
- Step away from the gathering for a few minutes; take some time by yourself to let the emotions out (so they don’t come out on an unsuspecting family member!)
Spiritual Steps:
- Get a few people to pray specifically about the hurt and loneliness of family gatherings
- Ponder the fact that God is separated from His children unless and until they become reconciled through Jesus; consider that He also suffered the loss of His only Son (for you); so, you can talk to God honestly about how much this holiday season hurts
- Remember that death was never God’s plan; He doesn’t like it either, and He will give you strength to survive these family celebrations
2. Feeling Alone (even though you’re surrounded):
As family gathers, it seems like everyone else is the same as “before,” but I feel completely and utterly different. I feel out of place. It’s difficult to describe. It’s just a feeling of standing on the outside of a group. Grief is a great separator. It makes us different.
If this is your first year or two in deep grief, you definitely are not feeling like yourself. Even years later, however, you might not be “yourself.”
In talking with many grieving moms, I’ve come to realize that I’m not alone in feeling like I’m a completely different person. This fact is glaringly obvious to me in the family structure. It’s easier to feel like myself in groups that never knew me before Austin died. They’ve never known anyone else than who I am now.
Survival Steps:
- Write down 3 things that are better about the new you
- Set a goal of intentionally engaging in 3-4 conversations during the gathering
- FaceTime, Zoom, or call someone who lifts your spirits after your family gathering
Spiritual Steps:
- Remember that as a Christ-follower, you’re never alone; the Holy Spirit is your Helper, your Counselor
- Ask God to nudge you when you are isolating yourself and remember your goal above
- Pray for each family member if you are sitting quietly on the sideline
3. Family Wants You to Feel Better:
Your family loves you and doesn’t want you to be hurting during the holidays. This is hard on them, too. The danger, however, is feeling like you are not meeting their “better” expectations. In talking with lots of grieving people, I’ve discovered that most people expect you to be getting better much faster than you really are. There’s a lot of hiding or masking going on within grief. If you’re not masking or hiding your grief, perhaps you are eating, drinking, or spending it – and you don’t want your family to know that either!
You also don’t want people to worry. You don’t want to be a burden. Never that. It’s exhausting to be grieving and pretending, especially around your family who knows you so well.
Hurt feelings and bitterness can also arise when family members give advice on how you should be handling your grief, or if they voice their opinion about how you should be better by now. Perhaps they suggest that you’re going to have to “move on” at some point. (Lord, help us to respond graciously!)
Survival Steps:
- Set up some boundaries or expectations for family members; let them know what you want – do you want to talk about your loved one? Do you want them to include some reference (or something) to include your lost loved one? Or, would you prefer not to talk about your loved one today as the family gathers? It’s up to you, but unless you let them know, they will be left to their own opinions and actions
- Write down any areas where healing has come and you are doing better; have those ready to talk about if your grief comes up
- Avoid those individuals who tend to voice their opinions; slide into the next room and find someone else to talk to
Spiritual Steps:
- Ask the Holy Spirit to show you areas He would like to heal next
- Pray ahead of time for gracious, Jesus-reflecting, responses to any difficult family members
- Write a comforting or strengthening Scripture on a piece of paper, fold it up, and put it in your pocket; or put that Scripture as your phone screensaver – keep your mind on God as you get through the gathering
If you found these tips helpful, you can find many more in Surviving Sorrow: A Mother’s Guide to Living with Loss.
Next up, Surviving Sorrow Through the Holidays: Agony of Anticipation.
I’m praying for you and yours ~ Kim