Transparency time: this morning, I’ve been feeling unsettled about this next season in my life.
At the end of the school year last spring, I gave my notice that I would not be coming back to teaching in the fall. The decision was terrifying, but I was certain – through much prayer and seeking the Lord – that I was being called into my writing and speaking ministry full time.
I felt like God was saying something like this: Enough already! It’s time for you to step fully into what I’ve been asking you to do. Not on the side, not when your day-job allows it. No more neglecting it or sacrificing it for the hundreds of excuses you’ve made this past decade. It’s time. You’re going to stop teaching. Now. And then get busy writing and speaking for MY glory and to help women find Me in their darkest places.
And I knew, deep in my spirit, that He was serious this time. Nothing would go well if I didn’t finally set aside my excuses and serve Him with all of my energy and strength.
Well… ok then.
Don’t get me wrong – I argued and made excuses for a few more months. But eventually, I gave my notice. Then we moved. And then with boxes everywhere, we did laundry and packed for a month-long trip out of the country. It was incredible.
But, now I’m back…with “nothing” to do and no job to get ready for. No tasks that must be done for someone else, no deadlines to meet. No expectations to meet, no boss to make happy.
Just nothing. That’s how it feels to me this morning.
Yes, there are a hundred things I could do in my writing or speaking efforts. I know. Perhaps there are too many to wrestle down and focus on. I tried to make a list. I tried to prioritize. Yet, my mind was shouting at me. Something I couldn’t quite hear. Something I couldn’t quite make out. Even my body felt unsettled, like it was vibrating.
So, I did what many people do when they feel overwhelmed or overstimulated (I don’t even know what to call it!): I grabbed my phone.
A YouVersion notification for the verse of the day popped up: Matthew 6:25.
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?”
That’s just the thing – for once I wasn’t worried about the provision of a being an author and speaker. Seriously, this is a huge problem for me. Normally.
Today, however, I was not thinking about the finances.
A paycheck was not on my mind.
I was just unsettled about facing my day-to-day without a job to report to, tasks set before me by someone else, for me to tackle. I like the structure. I like NOT having to decide what to do and when to do it. I just get to do the work set before me.
I feel like the work that has been set before me is like fog.
I can see it out in front of me. I know what it is, but as I try to draw near to do it, it evaporates. What looked so clear a mile away, is a mist that I can’t really see any more. I certainly can’t grab hold of it. It is disappearing between my fingertips…
What do I do? What was I thinking? I let out a sound of frustration.
Why is this so hard for me?
Make a list, prioritize it, and get to work. Simple.
Yet, my mind is whirling and my body is still vibrating. Unsettled.
So, I did what I know works to settle my mind: I grabbed my Bible. I read the whole chapter of Matthew 6 and confirmed that I was NOT worrying about provisions.
I did some journaling about it. I wrote out verses 33-34 about seeking His kingdom and His righteousness first and all the other things will be added. I read a blip of commentary that said to do the work entrusted to us while trusting Him for provision. Again, not the problem today.
I wrote in my journal, “He is enough to supply everything I need,” and immediately something in my soul whispered:
“Is He enough when you don’t have a job?”
Hhhhhmmmm… now there’s the thing I’ve been trying to put my finger on. I leaned into it and wrote: Is He enough when the day stretches before me with no requirements or deadlines? Is He enough when there are no tasks that must be completed today? Is He enough when there’s nothing I need to do today, right now?
The lack of “stuff” set before me by the requirements of a job or a boss left all this space empty in my mind. Empty space?! Not just for a vacation, but for the rest of my life?!!
Oh no. Unsettling.
I must admit that I didn’t feel better after my Bible and journaling time. I had identified the “thing” that was making my body vibrate this morning, but the answer did not provide the calm I needed.
I turned to another sure thing: worship.
I opened my daily text to Sing – The Worship Initiative. Today, the song was Christ Be Magnified. If you’ve never heard these folks, go to the web and sign up (it’s free) and you’ll get a link texted to you each morning. It’s powerful.
As I listened to the prayer and devotional part, I wrote this:
“Kim, seek Me first. That is what you DO today.”
“Ok, Lord,” I whispered back.
Then I fully started attending to the devotional. Not half-listening while glancing at my phone. Not half-listening while I journaled. I just stopped everything and tried to set my mind on God.
I actively tried to enter into His presence, focusing solely on our Almighty God.
They began to sing the song, and I made myself sing along and focus on trying to be in the moment. You see, that’s where we encounter the Almighty. That’s where we feel the Holy Spirit. That’s where we feel Jesus sitting with us.
When we stop everything else and focus on Christ alone. When we say, “no” to all the things running around in our minds. When we cry out to say, “I need You Lord!”
When we sit still for a minute and set all the things of this world aside and seek God’s presence.
I felt His presence. Tears rolled as I sang “Christ Be Magnified” in a whisper, pushing everything else out of my mind. Calm.
After the song and prayer, I wrote:
“Magnify Me and your day is judged as worthwhile, as successful, as ‘exceeding expectations,’ as a job well-done.”
God is so, so good to us, friend. When we choose Him, He’s always there. No matter what. He’s always there for us IF we will be still and seek Him. It’s so simple I often miss it.
Do you?
Are you feeling unsettled today? What have you done with that feeling of unrest?
Stop now. Get alone. Open your Bible. Worship. Journal. Listen. Calm.
I’m praying for you,
Kim